Williams on "Style"

Taken from the Undergraduate Course Catalog:

Registration:

…Financial obligations must be met by students by the posted due dates in order for students to be eligible for the next registration period (or graduation.) Transcripts, diplomas, or other statements of record will be withheld and students will be ineligible for further registration until obligations have been fulfilled.

Cancellation of registration by a student who decides not to return to EMU after registering in advance for classes must be initiated by the student on a signed cancellation-of-registration form either in person or by letter to the Office of Records and Registration, 303 Pierce Hall… (Undergraduate Course Catalog, Registration pg. 8)

As I read through the Undergraduate Course Catalog, nothing stuck out to me in the way of “bad writing” until I reached the above passage. It is written in the passive voice and that made it difficult for me to understand. It is not written clearly and most of the nouns are being acted upon rather than doing the acting. In my opinion, academic material such as the course catalog should be written in plain terms so that the masses can understand it. Though it sounds “professional”, it’s really just too wordy and complicated.

For example, why “must financial obligations be met?” Instead, shouldn’t “students must meet financial obligations?” Here, the financial obligations must be acted upon by a subject, when really the subject should be acting. We know that “transcripts, diplomas, or other statements” will be withheld, but who is withholding them? These extra “of’s and will be’s” add bulk to the writing without saying anything at all. Instead, it’s taking away from the clarity and conciseness of the writing.

The next paragraph gets even more complex. Punctuation is absent and the sentence runs on and on. The paragraph wraps up the reader in wordy, confusing language, detracting from what the paragraph is truly trying to say, which is: “Students who choose not to return to EMU even after registering in advance must cancel registration by filling out a “Cancellation-of-Registration” form. They can do this either in person or by letter to the Office of Records and Registration at 303 Pierce Hall.” By rearranging the nouns, subject, and verbs to create more “active” writing, the paragraph becomes distinctly clearer.

Also, why must the form be a “cancellation-of-registration” instead of a “Registration Cancellation” form? By eliminating the “of” and switching the noun and verb, even the title of the form becomes more understandable. These minor revisions align with the advice Williams gives in his Clarity and Coherence chapters. Writing more actively is a major way to improve writing in that is makes writing more coherent. What I’ve done in my revisions is eliminate verbs-turned-noun and bring action back to the subject, just as Williams recommends.

“When we turn verbs into nouns and then delete the characters, we fill a sentence with abstraction:” (Williams 24)

Ex. “Transcripts, diplomas, or other statements of record will be withheld and students will be ineligible for further registration until obligations have been fulfilled.” (UCC 8)

But…”When we use subjects to name characters and verbs to name their actions, we write sentences that are more specific and concrete.” (Williams 24)

Revised Ex. “The University will withhold transcripts, diplomas, or other statement records and students will be ineligible for further registration until they have fulfilled their obligations.”

So, my final revision is as follows:

Registration

Students must meet financial obligations by the posted due dates in order to be eligibly for the next registration period (or graduation.) The University will withhold transcripts, diplomas, or other statement records and students will be ineligible for further registration until they have fulfilled their obligations.

Students who choose not to return to EMU even after registering in advance must cancel registration by filling out a “Cancellation-of-Registration” form. They can do this either in person or by letter to the Office of Records and Registration at 303 Pierce Hall.

It’s shorter and easier to understand, being much more ideal.